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(last updated on 1/25/2024)
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dying with consequences

"4i grotesque husk" - june 2023

alexis t.

dedicated to the members of the trans community who have lost their lives due to acts of discrimination and hatred, we mourn for you, and your death is not in vain.rest easy, we will continue fighting for you.

introduction to now:

day to day:

30mg:

descent:

impact:

50mg:

break:

nine:

sharp knife:

silence:

the morning after:

angel husk death:

contact high:

its getting colder out:

i've been thinking about you:

this is next:

teeth_concept:

phase.22.2023:

jpeg_degradation:full.step:

a woman who so truly hates herself:

moving forward:

distribution:

i feel as if i am slowly suffocating, []. i want to uncontrollably scream at the top of my lungs; i can’t fucking take this anymore, i am at my wits end, i am exhausted, i am distraught, i am inconsolable, i want this to be over, i wish i could go back, wh
i’m losing sleep, my brain is actively refusing the idea of sleep, i am so, so tired but i don’t want to be. i have never felt more so alone in my entire life, im am doing this to myself
i thought i was done feeling this way, i thought everything was going to get better. “onward, to a better, happier future” was what i told myself. im such a fucking idiot, a disgusting fucking human for thinking i was deserving of anything more. of course
[], i dont want to feel this anymore, i am content with death, i want to die, []
i feel as if i am slowly suffocating, and i don’t know how much more air i have left to breathe

false identities:
Introductions using a false identity.
The people staring know and they mock me for it.
I wonder how many of them think it's a joke.
The thought of it alone is enough to make me sick.
I should’ve kept in touch, I’m sorry.I'm going to live forever (cut):
I’m going to live forever to spite the people who hate me.
I’m going to live forever to spite the people who despise me.
I’m going to live forever to spite the people who think I need to be cured, think I’m subhuman, think I’m a monster, and want me dead.
I’m going to live forever.falling:
Self-centered.
egotistical asshole.
He’s alienated his children, I wonder if he’s miserable now.
When I was younger, I would often dream of walking off the last step of the staircase and falling forever.
I would wake up shortly after terrified and in shock, but now I question if it would’ve been so bad.
Blood leaked from my head.
I don’t remember him apologizing.incapable:
Incapable of love.
Incapable of being loved.
“I’m so disappointed in you”, she mumbles.
She is disgusted by the mere thought of sharing the same room, and all you can do is stare blankly back.
None of this has been spoken, yet, you believe it to be true, so damaged to a point you hadn’t even realized until things started to get better.
Are you truly incapable of love, incapable of being loved?
Or are you craving change, to grow as a person, and distance yourself from your past?
Onward, to a better, happier future./scenes in intended order:a.
- 10,000 dead birds litter the moonlit beach
- look at those gorgeous teeth
- unfurnished rooms void of life (cut)
- hold me closer
- - - heart
- - - impossible lovers
- over and over, again and again
- beautiful flamingo
- vacant city streets (cut)
- what's the harm in pretending
- - - real bodies from a distance
- sparky the fucked up dog
- a heart adorn
- eyes that stare
- false identity
- - - false
- - - identity
- for shirleyb.
- that's what it's all about
- misshapen faces of people who don't exist
- comparitive two
- five more minutes
- - - only five
- a body incapable of loving
- - - head in the clouds
- - - reform and rebuild
- all the ways i could end it
- - - by belt
- - - by knife
- - - by medication
- if not briefly
- alone again
- a body capable of loving (cut)/inspired by:Teens of Style - Car Seat Headrest
HiLo - Jack Stauber
TTRRUUCES - TTRRUUCES
The Night in Question: French Exit Outtakes - TV Girl
Live from Japan - Death’s Dynamic Shroud
ハルカリベーコン - HALCALI
Heavy Starch - Dirty Art Club
Dawn FM - The Weeknd
God Bless Tiny Tim - Tiny Tim
Everywhere at the End of Time - The Caretaker
Alohaha - Alohaha
Sherry - Forever Lesbians
Fate - Soviet Soviet
Lioness: Hidden Treasures - Amy Winehouse
Greatest Hits - Chris Laufman
Twin Fantasy (mirror to mirror) - Car Seat Headrest
Smiling, Laughing - Gorgeous Bully
Wildflower - The Avalanches
After Hours - The Weeknd
Already Out of Time - Stoop Kids
Skiptracing - Mild High Club
Synthetic Sweetheart - Tupperwave
So… How’s Your Girl? - Handsome Boy Modeling School
shut in - pigeon pit
April Fools - The Scary Jokes

01/01/2023
- production started01/22/2023
- preview launched
- ghosts "if not briefly" frames added02/01/2023
- project officially launches
- original january installment added
- ghosts cut content added02/10/2023
- ghosts development notes added02/25/2023
- original january installment removed
- remastered january installment added02/28/2023
- february installment added03/31/2023
- march installment added04/02/2023
- updated content warning
- updated title screen
- updated directory
- updated credits04/15/2023
- suffocating bonus installment added
- optimized web build for mobile04/30/2023
- april installment added05/12/2023
- resources added05/31/2023
- may installment added
- voice memos companion piece added06/30/2023
- june installment added
- updated directory08/01/2023
- july installment added08/31/2023
- august installment added09/30/2023
- september installment added12/01/2023
- october installment added
-november installment added12/31/2023
- december installment added01/25/2024
- voice memos link updated

you are loved, help is available
stay safe out there <3the trevor project:
web - thetrevorproject.org
phone - (866) 488-7386trans lifeline:
web - translifeline.org
phone - (877) 565-8860988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
web - 988lifeline.org
phone - 988

you are visiting this Hyper Definition Media web experience in the year 2023 - free media. our work belongs to no one. im going to live forever.